Take note, baby boomers: If you think your aging parent is losing the ability to handle routine tasks, don't wait for a medical emergency.
Parents often are reluctant to accept help from loved ones for fear of losing their independence, says Joy Loverde, author of The Complete Eldercare Planner.
It's up to you to watch how your parents act, and then to gently talk with them if you believe they need help for their physical or mental limitations.
"When we are with them, we can't act as though we have no responsibility. We can't afford not to be paying attention," Loverde says. "If we do, we're the ones who get caught off guard. This is not a generation of people who are used to asking for help."
What problems to look for
Ability, not age, is the best way to judge whether your parent needs daily help, says Loverde, who does seminars and has appeared on national television shows on eldercare issues. Instead of using age as a measuring stick, Loverde recommends watching for these warning signs:
Trouble performing basic tasks, such as walking, dressing, eating and cooking.
Poor thinking skills. If your parent is always getting lost while driving, has trouble answering questions or can't remember familiar names and places, you should consider whether he or she needs extra attention.
Poor self-care, such as not bathing and looking sloppy.
Failure to fulfill responsibilities. Look for signs, such as unopened mail, unpaid bills and bank account overdrafts.
Changes in health, such as weight loss, incontinence (bladder problems), changes in appetite, and black and blue marks that could be signs of a recent fall.
Increasing isolation. Has your parent lost interest in friendships, activities or hobbies? Does he or she live alone and keep the curtains drawn?
Changes in attitude or personality. Is your parent abusing alcohol or drugs or talking about being depressed? Does your parent seem unusually argumentative or paranoid?
"Anything that is out of the ordinary should be a red flag," Loverde says.
If you live far away from your parents and you know a friend or relative who is going to see them shortly, contact that person before and after the visit to get their feedback, Loverde says.
It may be helpful to take your parent to the doctor, who can tell if there is a problem with brain function (dementia). While some types of dementia in older adults cannot be fixed, some causes are reversible, and in others the rate of worsening can be slowed.
Talking to your parents
Once you've identified the problems, you'll have to approach your parent. Doing this the right way "is really a key factor in their willingness to engage in a subject that is quite fearful to them," Loverde says.
"I find it's better to ask questions than to make statements," Loverde says. This is to make the parent feel like he or she is in the driver's seat.
"How can anyone afford nursing home care these days?" is one good way to start a talk on eldercare. If your parent does not respond immediately or changes the subject, at least he or she knows that you're watching out for their best interests, Loverde says. Talking with your loved one about eldercare issues usually takes more than one try.
"You really have to inch toward what is on your mind," Loverde says. "Family members make a lot of mistakes about taking over their parents' lives. They want to maintain control over their own lives for as long as possible."
It's best to divide eldercare responsibilities among family members instead of putting the burden on only one or two people, says Loverde. Talk to a medical social worker about community resources to help your loved one. There are also many programs and devices to help your homebound parent, including:
Emergency-response devices , such as a bracelet or necklace equipped with a push-button radio transmitter that can be pressed when a medical problem arises.
Postal Alert . The post office can have someone contact you if the mail carrier notices mail starting to pile up.
Social day care . Community centers and churches often have group meals, recreation and trips for seniors.
Adult day care . Staffed by health care professionals, these specialized licensed facilities care for people who cannot be home alone during the day. A doctor's prescription is usually required.
Respite care . In-home and out-of-home care is available if you are a caregiver.
Churches, hospitals, senior citizens organizations and agencies on aging are some resources to contact for eldercare services.
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